just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
