Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
