I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize