hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
