she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
