If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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