I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It's just like the Real World with babies
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
