Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
