I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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