are you so shy because you have an std?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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