We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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