the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i need an iv and a liver transplant
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
