Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
