bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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