I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
