I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize