So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
