i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
