I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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