took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
