So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Let's get the cat blown out
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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