so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
my god I love twenty year old dicks
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize