I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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