Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
