my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
People with herpes should wear stickers.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
