Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
