so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
