Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
