Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize