I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
