I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
