and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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