the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
