im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
