why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
