Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
