Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
