my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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