Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
