I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
