before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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