so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
it was like eating out sand paper
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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