He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I need a beard to bite.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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