First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
