How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
