So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
