i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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