There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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