dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
