I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
