Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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