Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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