I wish I only lived at night.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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