Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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