The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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