The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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