Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
