dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
