Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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