here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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