And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
