Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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