i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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