we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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